Inversion of Generosity

hidden agendas suck

There's an epidemic of lies running rampant through society these days. The most insidious is the prolific phenomenon of people lying to themselves. If you lack honesty with the person in the mirror, you lack any barricade to prevent you from lying to others.

Where I would normally supplement ample synonyms for the word lie, that's not happening here. There is a power and a frequency to that specific word, and anything else in an approximation — and we wonder why euphemisms are energetically draining. Stop stealing my life force!!

When lying becomes pathological, distinction between lies and truth disappear.

We've seen that happen on a grand scale. Lie after lie after lie has eroded people's trust in themselves because not only is lying insidious to the liar, it damages everyone around him or her. Add to this that the definition of truth has been reinvented, and it's no wonder we're all at sixes and sevens, as my grandma would say. The terms fact and truth are being used interchangeably. Meanwhile, opinions don't exist anymore. "My truth" has replaced them. Folks, there's no such thing. Take your pick from facts, truth, lies, or opinions.

Blurred lines on such a grand scale always impact other aspects of our lives — in this case, friendships.

Friends are the people we rely on to accept all of the facets of ourselves. That's the gig.

If you're of my age bracket, you might even remember swaying in a circle arm to arm to arm at a middle school dance while "That's What Friends Are For" blared from the speakers. Must I quote it?

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

— "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick (1985)

Where I foster massive umbrage is energetic theft dressed up as friendship. Under the guise of care and generosity, someone close to you pretends to be interested or invested in your well being so that she can sink her hooks into you. She uses a false premise to engage you in what you believe is friendship, only to subvert your goodwill and syphon your energy for herself.

She approaches you claiming to care about your wellbeing and needs as she bobs along to the double dutch rhythm waiting for the right time to insert the real reason for reaching out.

It often sounds like, "I'm calling to check on you."

You know what I have to say to that? Fuck off. That's a blatant lie. You're calling because you need something from me and don't have the self respect to tell me. The feigned concern is a cover.

Tell me that you need something. BE HONEST!!

This happened a ton when I first became incapacitated. My friends all wanted me to prop them up even though I had zero capacity to even care for myself. If I mustered the energy to hop on a call, I would be spent while they ended our exchange by telling me, "Wow. I feel so much better. When can I talk to you again?"

Friendship should be reciprocal, not one sided.

I no longer tolerate this in my life. If you want something from me, you need to be honest enough to ask. Let me decide if I'm capable instead of trying to sneak through the back door or blindsiding me with it. Even in my diminished state, I rally to support my friends.

The dynamic that I'm describing is different than having an organic conversation.

We can err too much in the other direction and have the "I don't want to make this about me" fear where we don't want to 'burden' our friends with our struggles. It's friendship. There is no burden. We anticipate an organic ebb and flow. Sometimes this is within a single conversation. Other times we're talking full seasons of life. You'll energetically know the difference.

Support might look different on both of you. I have a friend who often jokes that her role in the friendship is to answer the phone when I'm in tears while mine is to talk her through adding air to her tires or ensure that she doesn't eat expired chicken that could kill her. We don't all need the same things.

What I'm referencing is when someone intentionally contacts you knowing full well their motives for the exchange but lies about them. That's not okay.

You don't get to tell yourself that you're being selfless while simultaneously dumping a bucket of shit on me. That's not friendship.

"I'm going through something really tough and need your support." Great!! I'm here for it. Call me night or day. Text as much as you need. Without hesitation, I will offer my energy. But that's the key. It's not being hoisted on you.

By the way, friendship is also understanding when someone has nothing left to give.

We're not meant to go through life alone, despite the claims of many a self-help author. That's a lonely existence. We need friendships and all of the vulnerabilities that go along with them. What we don't need are lies dressed up as selflessness and generosity.

Remaining honest with ourselves and others amplifies the energetic ring of truth. All of our lives are brightened by it.